Mediation

Yesterday I mediated a case I'd been working on for the last couple of years. Although it was an excellent result for my client, I have ambiguous feelings. After literally years of building the case, arguing motions, taking depositions, and working closely with my clients, it just seems somehow impossible that it can come to an end without a trial. To get out of litigation mode and into closure sometimes is difficult for me. I suppose that's why after my own lawsuit, I ended up going to lawschool and working for decades with my former lawyer...

Identity?

On my dear friend Barbara's wall was written in large black letters: "You are what you repeatedly do." When I read those words the meaning seemed clear, "doing" meant something you do physically. As I continue to ponder what it means to be a burn survivor in my own personal experience I keep coming around to the phrase above, only my understanding of "doing" now focuses on the mental aspect. You are what you repeatedly think about, or more correctly, how you think about it. When thoughts spring up through fear or self-condemnation, these thoughts rarely water seeds of love and joy. Those two seeds, present in everyone, if cultivated, can perhaps shift the mental "doing" toward a place where it feels comfortable to just be. I aspire to "be" as intentionally and as lovingly as I can. Moment to beautiful moment, just be.

New Stem Cell Burn Treatment

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And then...

After about ten days I returned to the burn unit and found out the labs were clear - no sign of cancer. I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear that. I went home and continued to walk around as much as possible. Always before movement was a good thing for skingrafts, my doctor always told me to keep moving. Unfortunately, the result was the graft totally failed. I was then scheduled for another skingraft to replace this one.

Surgery

On the day of my surgery I showed up on the 5th floor of the hospital where I was received into a pre-surgery exam room. They started an IV and led me into the OR. I said hello to the doctors then by the magic of anesthesia, the surgery was over and I was in recovery. By the time an hour had passed I was getting ready to leave the hospital. Overall, a very smooth surgical experience. I still did not know whether I had a Marjolin's Ulcer, or had cancer. I didn't find out for another week.

Back to the Burn Unit

Between Christmas and New Years I happened to be in Iowa City and stopped in to say hello to my burn nurses at the Burn Treatment Center. While there I happened to mention that there was a small sore on the back of my knee that hadn't healed. I had somehow injured it a couple months prior and I'm not sure exactly how. My nurses turned white and immediately called the burn surgeon who was out in the hall. She looked at my sore and began explaining how she thought she'd be able to close the incision primarily (without a graft) and that I should come into the burn clinic the next day.

Spirituality and Being Burned

Here I sit 17 years after my burn injury. Having some time to look back at the experience allows some reflections. I never dreamed I could endure an injury such as this one, an injury that changes your body in such a drastically physical way. There is so much I am grateful for in my life because of the burn. How can something that caused such intense pain, both physically and emotionally ever be looked at as a catalyst for good? Because of my burn injury I became aware of what I am - and what I am not. I'm certainly not just what I look like, my worth is not defined by an outward appearance. Not that I thought of myself as a "judge the book by its cover" sort of person before I got burned, I just never realized the extent to which I probably was -- to myself in some sort of fundamental way. My facial scars forced me to accept that I could not rely on looks for anything to define me. I didn't feel like I relied on my looks prior to getting burned, in fact, I never considered myself particularly good looking. I think I was used to seeing a certain face look back at me in the mirror, and now that face was gone.

The attitude or perspective with which you look at anything changes your perception of it. My burned allowed a re-defining of myself, a re-framing that has continued over the years ever since. I'm not sure its any different from someone who hasn't been burned re-framing their life to see things from a new perspective, but in a very real way, the burn opened that opportunity up for me. I believe this adherence to reality by really paying attention to what is going on right now opens up life for us all. Life happens right now. For all the worry and hard work, there really isn't all that much we can do about a lot of the stuff that occupies our anxiety. We can do what is next -- and that's pretty much all we can do.

Intense pain and fear brought me to a more real place in my soul. The littlest details of life became all important: being able to feed myself, go to the bathroom, wrestle with children, pet a dog, walk, drive... Your life is made up of small things. Being able to breath well and walk are two things I try and think about now, 17 years later. I have no pain left from the burn. I do have residual stiffness and contractions, but no pain. My scars are normal to my children who have never known me without them. In fact, most of the people I interact with have never known me without scars. They say they don't even see them once they get to know me.

Like I said, I'm grateful for many things stemming from the burn: my family, my career, my new beautiful grafted skin that protects me, and for all the love that so many people have shown me. I couldn't be a luckier person.